day 104: mommy fears

Not even the torrential downpour of rain this morning could keep the smiles from my younger two girls' faces. They were SO excited for zoo camp, and the end of the afternoon report told me they emphatically l-o-v-e-d it.

And when I pulled out of that parking lot, I was supposed to feel like a weight was lifted from my shoulders. Like a prisoner minus the chains. Or....like a temporarily single mom suddenly without all three kids. Free. Instead, there was an aching, churning, anxious pit in my stomach. What if they get separated from the group when they're out in the zoo and no one notices? What if there's some atrocious accident while they're looking at a ferocious animal? What if they let someone else take my kids home before I get there? What if my oldest daughter at church camp would sleepwalk and fall into the pool near her cabin and drown? (okay, I know that one sounds outrageous and silly, but it did pop into my irrational mind. call me crazy. I'm good with that.)

I tend to what-if things to death surrounding my children.

Yes, I know that's not healthy.

Yes, I know most of these thoughts are irrational.

Yes, I think this might make me normal.

(please tell me it does?)

This morning, on the rainy way to the zoo, McK told me she was remembering in her head the time last fall when Daddy took her and her sisters to the zoo without Mommy (which is quite a feat for Daddy). "I like to have good memories about Daddy. It helps me," she quietly said. Glad that works for her. 'Cause it only makes me sadder.