dread

I haven't been able to have a "normal" life at home with my husband for 4 1/2 months now.

I have, however, been able to call or text him virtually whenever I've wanted.

Take last night, for example. At 12:30 am, the electric fence alarm went off. I crawled out of bed, threw on some warm clothes, my muck boots, and got to walk the perimeter of our yard in the chilly night air to find where the break in the line was. Couldn't find one. So, naturally, I called Aaron. I didn't have to think twice about it or worry about waking him up or apologize a dozen times for doing so.

But now, I am down to just a few more phone calls. Until he leaves this country. Until he mails his cell phone home to me. Until he is off fighting a war in a place that feels so incredibly far from me. Until I have no way at all to be connected to him.

I have no idea what our communication will be like once he's there. Email? Phone? Skype?

These daily phone calls for the past 135 or so days have been the one thing that I can easily predict.

Since yesterday, though, I've felt the need to talk to him on the phone as much as possible, as if overfilling my tank with fuel will somehow make this week more tolerable. Doubt it.

I feel like I should be stronger than this. It is my third time around, after all. This is something so familiar. I've cried these tears before. So why does this seem so much harder?

Tonight I tied a yellow ribbon around our tree in the front yard. Even though it's a few days early, I just felt that it was time.

I am simply dreading this week. If it was within my power, I'd probably just stay home and not leave my house. Order in food each night. Become a hermit.

My kids need the routines of this week, to know that they can depend upon their mom.

But I'm still dreading this week. If you call me, don't be surprised if I don't answer, or if it takes me days to return your phone call. This week has put me in a funk, like I knew it would. I will be fine, but I need to be where I am for right now, and I'll be done with it and back to my "new normal" before long.

Right now, I want to go to bed. Like I've said before, sleeping passes times a little quicker, or so I'm fooled into thinking. But going to bed is a reminder that I'll be doing so by myself.

Meanwhile, there are just tears.....