day 55: baby void

Don't tell anyone, but I was holding back tears before the program even started.

Pre-school graduation....enough to send any loving mom over the edge.

ESPECIALLY when it's for your baby. Your youngest.....and last.

Oh my word.

For the first one, it was exciting. Something new. Moving on to bigger and better.

For the second one, it was expected. Knew it was coming. Knew she'd look forward to what was next.

For this one.....I want to pull back the reins. Pretend kindergarten doesn't exist. Insist that she is and will be my baby forever, and ignore her insistence that she is SOOOOO ready for kindergarten. Nope. Not going there.

I just really miss being a mom to a baby, a toddler, a little kid.

Well..........parts of it. Didn't so much favor the sleepless nights or the havoc on my body.

I miss silly grins for no reason, how it felt to feel that baby kicking inside me, holding a sleeping baby, naked babies running clad in just their diapers, the smell of Baby Magic, baby blankets, etc, etc, etc.

But now.......well, now I get drawings of my family in the medium of Crayola marker, handmade notes proclaiming, "best mom in the world!", rolling of the eyes, pairs of hands to help cook dinner, and havoc simply on one part of me: my heart.

My kids are growing up. Although the phases and stages and stresses change almost continuously, they're growing up. I can't knowingly deny them the privilege of getting older, so I suppose I'll just have to step back and watch it happen, cherishing every day.