day 131: like a pair of high heels

Want the honest to goodness truth?

Brace yourself:

being a single parent is the hardest, most not desirable, not at all fun thing out there.

I'm not good at it. And really, don't wanna be. It sucks (and you know I hate that word).

I may be good at putting off the air that I have it all together. And people believe me. That's purposeful. But behind closed doors, I laugh sadly and shake my head, because I have them all fooled. Because remember, I'm not good at this. And I don't wanna be.

The English teacher side of me thinks in similes and metaphors a lot. Sometimes they explain better than I can. So here's one for you: military single parenting is like a pair of high heeled shoes. They're you're only choice in footwear for a solid chunk of time (in my case, a year). Sure, they get the job done. But they're painful every step of the way. They just plain hurt. Not comfortable at all, ever. And don't even think of throwing them off and going barefoot. It's not allowed. You have to suck it up and earn those blisters and calluses and oddly-shaped feet, but you will look good doing it....while silently cringing in pain.

So there you have it. A peek into my role. A short walk in my shoes (pun slightly intended - another English teacher foe).

But one more thing. The part that's kicking my butt tonight is that although I have to do this alone for now, my spouse is, in a removed yet not thanks to technology way, watching me do this thing from a distance. He hears the words, sees the pictures, but somehow I can't erase the mistakes and errors and things I want to do-over, even from his limited view. And maybe that's what my struggle is right now. That I want to do him well. Want him to be proud, of what I could do, how I could hold up, in spite of his absence. And then I fall flat on my face like I did today and feel that I've not done a single thing right.

(p.s. one thing I'll admit I am still good at is crying on the phone, while talking to you, without you even knowing. or did you?)