light

I will unabashedly admit it - I am afraid of the dark.

There was no way on God's green Earth that I, as a child, would go upstairs to my bedroom, the one on the left at the top of the wooden, creaky stairs, by myself at night. No way, no how. Krystal, my older sister, or my mom, would have to go up first (I could never count on my younger sister Brooke, because she was the night owl). Nightlight? Nope. I simply insisted that the bright stairway light stay on until I was lost in a deep sleep.

One particular dark and creepy night sticks out in my head. The foot of my bed sat in front of a large window that overlooked the front of our house, which faced a busy state road. An odd noise woke me (I think), and I peered out my curtain to try and place the disturbance. Two men, dressed in black, lit up by a bright, shining moon, wearing masks, and carrying something so awful I cannot remember exactly what it was (that, or my mind has a tendency to twist reality in the dark).

Oh, and the sheer mention of curtains is something else. The minute that darkness begins to fall, all the blinds and curtains around me have to be drawn. I've been that way every since I can remember. Even withstanding the hot and sticky summer nights in an old, country farmhouse without air conditioning and open windows with the wind blowing the curtain open.....the thought of it makes me shudder to this day. I simply cannot stand a window at night uncovered. There could be someone watching, waiting. Paranoid? Scared.

And another night, late in my middle school years, out at some church youth activity with a friend. When her parents dropped me off at home, after dark, I was caught off guard. My mom and sisters were gone. The house was completely dark except for the intense security light that hung at the top of the barn. I lied. "My mom should be home any minute. I'll be fine." What? Where did that come from? Sadly, I hid behind a bush in the front yard until my mom rolled in the driveway. What did my mom say when I wandered up to the car, from nowhere? I cannot recall; the fear of the dark must have taken over my memory.

Is it any surprise, then, that on this very day in January, at the age of 31 and almost one half years of age, that I am scared of the dark? What I find even sadder is the fact that there is no official phobia name for being scared of the dark. Google is of no help on that subject matter. One website I found said that being scared of the dark is "not really a disorder". Wonderful. I've just diagnosed myself with a pretend problem.

However, my fear is very real. Whenever my husband is gone for any length of time, you can count on me sleeping with the downstairs light on. It doesn't illuminate my bedroom, but it gives me that safety net that I depend on. Yes, we've got a security alarm system, a whole arsenal of firearms, a dog that many people mistake for a wolf (I love my husky), and an innocent looking calico cat that will hiss when the dog comes near. But turn off that light, and I feel completely vulnerable. And even though I'm a frugal, penny-pinching Earth-loving girl, I honestly don't care that I'm wasting energy. I need that light.

During my husband's last deployment to Iraq, it took me a full three months to work up the courage to sleep sans lights....until some hard-to-place noise in the night required the light to come on again.

So here I am, two months in to my husband's third deployment (even though he's currently on active duty and not overseas yet). You know what I've done the past two nights? Yep. No light. And it's kind of freaking me out just to think about it. When did I become so brave all the sudden? I have no clue. If you normally drive past my house during the middle of the night and notice no lights on inside (minus the exterior lights, shining brightly to discourage all robbers and bad men in general), have no fear, for I may be cured.